If I were a guitar, you’d be Jimi Hendrix
If I were a drum kit, you’d be Ginger Baker
If I were a cornrow, you’d be Lil Wayne
If I were a dreadlock, you’d be Horsemouth
If I were a banana, you’d be Traci Lords in Talk Dirty to Me Part 3
If I were a shrimp, you’d be Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee
If I were a tattered mohair sweater, you’d be Kurt Cobain
If I were Monica Lewinsky, you’d be Bill Clinton’s petting hands
If I were a 6’1” Channel Islands thruster, you’d be Kelly Slater
If I were a MegaRamp, you’d be Danny Way
If I were a skull ring, you’d be Johnny Depp
If I were a shark, you’d be Damien Hirst
If I were a Pomeranian, you’d be Paris Hilton
If I were a cell phone, you’d be Rebekah Brooks
If I were Salman Rushdie, you’d be Padma Lakshmi
If I were a sad-eyed lady of the lowlands, you’d be a cover band in Vicksburg, Mississippi
If I were a keg party in Orlando, Florida, you’d be Casey Anthony
If I were a 30-year-old Georgetown activist, you’d be Rush Limbaugh’s ghostwriter
If I were a lethal amount of propofol, you’d be Michael Jackson’s housekeeper
If I were Lindsay Lohan’s gynecologist, you’d be…