Today I checked Facebook 43 times, scanned through Instagram 26 times, Googled myself 17 times, Twitter-stalked all my ex-girlfriends, including Duchess Caroline, whose cigarette burns now look like a stripe of moles down my lower back, watched Sasha Grey expound on a series of French and Swedish directors I’ve never heard of in a VBS.TV interview, watched Sasha Grey blaspheme not only her father but every father in a five-on-one scene on Fuckallyall.prn, watched Terminator 1, 2, and 3 on Netflix, ate a pint of Ben and Jerry’s new Pro-Choice Crunch, a chocolate-pretzel-semen-embryo-hemp seed confection that, according to the label, is the ‘perfect accompaniment to a night of UFC Fighting followed by Real Housewives,’ considered masturbation but instead posted my first Facebook entry of the day, considered masturbation again but decided to see if there were any Likes for my Facebook post (there were—only 23), felt disappointed by the FB debacle so posted a picture of my kale salad on Instagram, considered masturbation a third time but instead drank an 8 oz, 100% raw local organic fresh pressed green juice that cost $19, watched Girls, watched Gossip Girl re-runs, text messaged a whole bunch, watched a two-headed snake fight itself to eat a rat on YouTube, and posted this blog entry.